the truth about sound and eyes.

Echos are what I hear.
Leftover sound waves of the words I've spoken.
They play tricks on my mind
because they sound as real as they did when I spoke them.
Except these are fragments of those words,
they've bounced around and traveled back to me
and even though they are the same words and it's my same voice
they have dissipated in energy and are chaotic from the travel.
I know they are real because I spoke them. I felt them. They are my energy.
So why do they sound foreign, as if they were spoken by a ghost of me?

Eyes are our outlet to see the world
and an equal way the world can see whats in us.
Eyes hold the energy of the soul and body in their stare, in their color.
You can see pain in eyes, when it's in the heart.
You can see love in eyes, when it's in the heart.
When I look at mine they appear strangely
as if I'm in new territory that I can't yet explain.

They've seen so much. The most beautiful and the most disgusting of things.
I can see these things because they exist within myself.
Sometimes something catches my eye, so I stop and take a better look.
But what am I really seeing?
My mind is a projector screen and my eyes are the lenses I use to see it.
So am I seeing what's really there or what I really need to see in myself?

I've chosen to let light shine through the cracks that have made a home in my heart.
I have chosen freedom from my own mind prison.
Just because you're free doesn't mean you're at peace.
Sometimes truth is chaos and sometimes it really hurts
and other times truth feels like one of those dreams where you try so hard to keep sleeping.
There is no way, no music, no drug, no escape from truth.
It will find you when you think you're hidden
or even if you say a million times that it won't - it will.
Eventually, you have to listen because the voice is so loud your head hurts
and you're dizzy from the confusion.

The sound of truth is echoing in my ears.
It's fractured like a ray of light casting down between two trees.
The truth is perfect and smooth and effortless.
The truth knows nothing of my emotions attached to untruth.
It doesn't care if I care.
Truth exists in the space between.
It isn't right or wrong - black or white.
It doesn't need contrast or a belief in it.
It is.

I'll follow truth until my very last breath
or maybe the truth will be the one that kills me.

walls and secrets and wolves.

the laughter will never be drowned out

when in one life there is laughter we know the other is full of tears

there is a war inside my heart

and it's on the upswing.

these bags around me, these clothes, these walls mean nothing, hold nothing

because they are only as beautiful as the one inside the space,

the wearer of dreams and hopes and smiles is the wearer of a secret

and i wear it well.

but who would envy such a thing

it's like saying "you're filthy beautiful".

filthy beautiful is what i am, tonight.

i knew of purity before the world blew it's overwhelming breath upon me

knocking me to the ground where i slipped into the world below,

and i fell but landed softly.

my first time visiting this place i was met by a white wolf.

he spoke silently of my strength

he ran gracefully beside me, he runs gracefully beside me.

the space around me is dark, but as i step forward light follows me as far as i decide to go.

always.

i know that when my heart stops beating, i'll rise.

when life disappears from my eyes, i'll be home. 

the same place i am when i love, is where i'll go.

i've lived there before, i know it well in all of it's elusiveness.

the very particles that make me human

start moving faster, slower, faster.

and it's there that i love, that i sing, i scream.

i have no interest in feeling more for i have known it all, inside my chest.

all that i need exists within me.

so as i run, i am really running in place.

as i look to see, i see merely a reflection.

i cannot be more or less than i am. i am all. we are all, there ever was or will be.

we are all the sun, the moon, the stars, the grass

because ultimately we are all made from the same particles,

from the same universe.

in knowing this, i see no reason that i cannot shine as brightly as the sun

grip and pull as tightly as the moon.

spirit take me in your arms tonight

show me how to fly again.

harmonize with me.

as the mist clears, i'll see your face again. it will be soon i am sure.

i long for the clarity in your eyes, the warmth of your skin.

look at all we've created, lost, and gained.

it's all there waiting for us.

so run, even if there's nowhere to run to.

as long as you're not running from, only for the joy of running.

i'll be beside you, i'll keep up.

maybe you'll take my hand

and as the sun beats down, 

we'll be free.

wisdom of the trees.

So I guess that life isn't always beautiful. One minute your eyes see bursting vibrant colors and without warning blackness sweeps over and you have to start the cycle all over again. How can I learn to see everything through the eyes of the Universe? By this I mean to see beyond polarities...good and bad, light and dark, negative and positive. Yes, our minds categorize things in life by default, placing them into little mind-made folders our brains title "good" and "bad". But just because our brains conceptualize this, doesn't entirely make it so. Without the dark, light could not exist. And without bad days, the good days would have nothing to contrast with therefore, we would not able to consciously know of goodness in that form without it. But the Universe knows nothing of these polarities. Light is no better than dark. Good is no better than bad. Without the darkness plants cannot grow, we cannot grow. And the same exists for light.
So although I know and can conceptualize this, still I cannot separate myself from the emotions attached to "bad" things. This is my humanity, part of our human condition. Just because I know that darkness is just as important and no less necessary than light, still I cannot stop myself from resisting it at all costs.
And in many ways, I don't really want to have that separation because emotions are part of the human experience. I resist the bad emotions, sending them away as if I am scared of them, not being able to realize that they are there for a reason. When we feel a negative emotion it's our body/soul/spirit's way of getting our attention, waking us up to a particular part of ourselves or our lives that needs to be changed in order for light/goodness to exist again. So why do I/we push them away? Besides the fact that they feel really unpleasant majority of the time, I believe the reason lies deeper than that. Because we are afraid. We are afraid of facing a particular part of ourselves or our reality. Because by facing it, that may mean we will have to accept something we don't like or aren't ready to see.
When will I be ready to see? I suppose becoming aware of something is the first step. I can't help but want to only live in love. And I think that's the highest goal we can set for ourselves...to live in love. I think we should try to see, feel, and know everything we can through the eyes of compassion. But by setting this goal in place, I can not deprive myself the experience of other emotions and feelings as they arise, for they are messengers here to tell me of needed change in my life. They tell me what I need to do differently, what to accept or reject.
I want to live more like the plants and the trees, the few animals still living in the wild, from the Earth. They seem to live with less resistance. I have observed a large, beautiful tree in our front yard for the passed few months. When I first met this tree, it's leaves were full and green, and it seemed to vibrate such life from it's branches. In September, I knew when I stood beneath it that it had a beautiful story to tell me. This story is still unfolding and will truly never end. As I listen to it's story daily, I see a reflection of my own life. This has made me understand and appreciate like never before the great cycles we go through in life. I watched all of it's beautiful, green leaves fall in Autumn. These leaves fell to the ground, where they still lie today because no one at my house (including myself) has taken the time to rake them. So because of this, I've been able to experience the cycle of life in it's purest form. These leaves will break down, making room for new life on the grass below. And as for the tree, presently it has no leaves on it's branches. It may appear to be dead, and it a sense it is. But if you look passed form, you will see that this tree is very much alive. It's just in the "dark" part of it's cycle. If I choose to view this "dark", "dead" part of it's cycle as negative, I am in turn resisting life itself. Because in a few months, Spring will bring the energy of new life, new leaves, new air. That darkness then, won't really be that dark anymore.

Today I ask to have the wisdom of the trees.

why we write.

"we write because we die.

we write because we must let go, take leave, pass on. words are an attempt to hold the moment, though even as we hold it, it passes....and we know it.

writing is a balm for grief. it's only two real subjects are death and love...or love and death: eros and thanatos...which are aspects of each other.

we only grieve where we have loved, and only love where there is the potential for grief. yet, we also know that life is a process of learning non-attachment because all things pass, flow, elude our grasp.

this is our human dilemma.

we are attachers who must learn non-attachment, lovers who must learn to let go, and grievers who must learn the deep joy that underlies all grief.

so, we patch grief with proverbs, knowing that the patches barely cover our wounds.

the wounds themselves are precious. they hurt us into healing."
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So this is why. This is why I decided to start a blog. Writing, for me, is like an old friend that I used to know well. One that I forgot long ago for seemingly more important things. But truly what happened was that I forgot myself, for a time. It seems as though until about a year ago, my life was some sort of dream, lost in all of the promises this society hands out like candy. Somewhere along the way I woke up, cleared the fog out of my vision, allowing me to truly see. I realized that these promises were made by people just as fooled as I was. I had to find my own way. I could no longer wait around on the world to tell me I was adequate, desirable, beautiful, when to stop and when to go. I had to clear my own path, remove all that stood in my way. Define myself. Define beauty for myself. Define success for myself. Redefine all that I thought of the world...all that I thought of myself.

This stripping away process has left me "pure". It has taken me to a place where I can truly see and feel myself for the infinite, innocent, pure creature that I was at birth...before the world told me who I was. I want to document this journey. The love. The grief. The laughs and screams. All of it. I feel that one aspect of life that may be lacking is our inability to understand, connect, and relate to other human beings, in and through their own journeys. Sometimes I wonder if anyone other than my few "soul-mates" understand what I'm feeling, where I am. How much more beautiful would the world be if humanity could become more connected, unified? My hope is that this blog will allow more connectedness to flow through my life and others. All that you read is raw and it's truth, at least for today.

My hope is to understand life more deeply.

I want to see beauty every day, even when it is not pretty.
I want to write truth even when words are hard to say.

Welcome. :)